Must-have New Product Spotlight

by The Editors on May 30, 2019

Today we’re highlighting an amazingly bland new product you don’t need, from a company we don’t like because, well, we got a press release from said company and putting up a press release is far easier than creating original content especially when all we’re interested in doing is fooling Google Ads into thinking we’re still posting content on this site so our rankings will continue to soar. 

This banal new product is of course made in China and features several prominently placed logos from the company— both on the front, the back, the top, and the sides. In fact, this product features nine logos (if you count the one on the label). By moving this product around in the physical world you are acting as a sign spinner for this private equity funded zombie brand. You’re adding your youth, energy, and all around sexiness to their brand by being associated with it. Only difference is the sign spinner is getting paid $25 a hour and you’re getting nothing, aside from the pride you feel from sporting a logo that says you paid way more than you should have for this Bangladesh made product. Wait, did we say China before… sorry, same difference. 

We’d highlight several of the features that set this product apart from all the other products available to you in this category and encourage you to purchase it, however, there’s nothing about this product that makes it standout from a similar product that can be purchased much more economically at one of the big box retailers. 

That said, this product is being promoted as part of a “limited edition” collection which means you’ll be forced to visit one of the brand’s mall-based “flagship stores” or order it online directly from the brand because they don’t want to drop this product in the same massive chain stores where they dump the rest of their product because they’re charging more for this and that means they want you to have to work even harder to find it. As a value add this means you’ll have a product that your lazier, more thrifty friends won’t. And that makes you a big winner. 

For more information on this product please visit the brand’s website where you can get the “product narrative” directly from their poorly paid marketing wizards. We’re guessing they’ll offer free shipping and returns so what have you got to lose? Shop, buy, consume. Repeat.

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